103 rd - Earn, not command Respect

Respect is earned over time, while most people commands it. 

Like a merit, it takes a person long, often painful, and  hard work, to establish credibility in any field of endeavor. This rule goes beyond protocols, not just table manners. 

If one aspires to be a leader, a parent, a coach, a counselor, then be prepared to be challenged for your credibility. And often, credibility and respect goes hand in hand. 

You cannot earn the respect of your people and peers if you don't have credibility. You can't have credibility if you have not earned the respect of your peers or people. Both are simply must haves in any situation.

Often, getting a point across in fewer words would be the wiser choice. And today I want to do such. It makes the meal more palatable. The reading more enjoyable. And certainly the message more tenable. 

Comments most welcome!

103rd

In the company of your betters, be not longer in eating than they are; lay not your arm but only your hand upon the table.

104th - Manners Matter - act with honor

This quote somehow captures my imagination and to some degree puts into context what honor, manner and grace ought to be exercised and practiced. More of my thoughts as I digest and let this idea simmer in my heart.

I remember being scolded many times in my younger days whenever meal time is served and pieces of rice starts to fly off my plates. I resent how my strict grandma used to discipline me. But now that I have kids of my own, I tend to do the same (subconsciously). Small etiquette, but big is impact to how we approach life in general.

To me, if a person is a slob in the dining table, for sure he will also be a slob in his dealings, be it work, relationships, life pursuits and all. On the contrary if a person is graceful, considerate, well mannered, you can be certain he/she would be of the same in how he/she approached life.

Seeds of honor and grace, cultivated daily, will one day bear fruits of joy, serenity, calm and peace in a man's heart.

"Only act with honorable people. You can trust them, and they you. Their honor is the best surety of their behavior even in misunderstandings, for they always act according to their character. Hence, it is better to have a dispute with an honorable person than to have a victory over dishonorable ones. You cannot deal well with the ruined, for they have no hostages for rectitude. With them there is no true friendship, and their agreements are not binding, however stringent they appear, because they have no feelings of honor. Never have anything to do with such people, for it honor does not restrain them, virtue will not, since honor is the throne of rectitude.” -Baltasar Gracian

104th

It belongs to the chiefest in company to unfold his napkin and fall to meat first, but he ought then to begin in time & to dispatch with dexterity that the slowest may have time allowed him.

107th - LISTEN, NOT JUST HEAR

"Rule 107th: If others talk at the table be attentive, but talk not with Meat in your Mouth".

A very basic and fundamental way to conduct oneself on any given setting. More importantly, the ability to simply lend a full ear is a trait that is becoming jurassic as is with basic speech.

What with the advent of techie gears, which counterintuitely supposed to make our human experience, well, more human.

I am again guilty of this. 

That is why my fundamental rule of thumb when were together as family is to "Yes to Talk and No to Tech". 

It is simply distasteful to see people together in a lunch or dinner table but see them tinker more with their smart thingy than strike a good conversation..

Believe in Goethe when he said " Conversation, a good one, is the most sublime of all human experience".

Let it be so.

105th - Humor's a Feast!

A good humor always breaks the ice! And if it is an iceberg that is out there, a superb joke can certainly shatter the cold spell into oblivion.

In this context, GW talks about manners in a dining table. And we often wonder how is it sitting in a dining room full of brash, harsh and ill mannered men in those days. Im sure no one wants to join a crowd where animosity and indifference reign.

The amazing thing is even after 250 years since inception, this rule still reverberates to our modern times. With the explosion of social media these days, a good humor (verbal), punchline and all has been replaced by 'updates, tweets, trending' and the like. Sad but man's physical presence in a conversation is slowly being replaced by our cyber presence, well at least in a society characterized by the influx of modern communication gadgets.

Are we losing our touch? Are we becoming a slave to tech? Are we consciously or unconsciously insulating ourselves from the very people whom we ought to interact? As 'iron sharpens iron', so does 'man sharpens man'.

What I intend to apply after reading this is to try to mingle as often, text less frequent, and speak to a stranger to even further my humanity. I hope you do too!

105th

Be not angry at the table whatever happens & if you have reason to be so, show it not; put on a cheerful countenance especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one dish of meat a feast'

106th - Know your Place under the Sun

The context of this rule is on sensitizing protocol!

Nowadays, people don't seem to practice this fundamental but vital rule of etiquette. And living in a country other than my own, I often admire how many different races take this to heart.

For instance, Caucasians often mind this structure. Sadly Asians in most cases, struggle in getting this behavior embedded into their daily routine. Call it culture, or otherwise, but I think this practice is rooted into how our families are designed in the early days. Specifically in meal tables.  

The question is - why the fuss? Well in my own opinion, it all boils down to RESPECT. And respect has to do with virtue. Virtues that often are seen by a person thru his/her parents, grandparents and relatives.  Which is rooted to our hidden admiration for gentlemen and women of substance and grace. Classic example of such is royalty. 

But I am puzzled as to why most folks find this difficult to uphold, especially as this is seemingly a simple yet powerful behavior to conduct oneself in public. Call it grooming, mold, upbringing. But at the end of the day, parents plays the biggest role model and influence to kids. 

As a cliche puts it - children often will pay attention to what parents do, not what parents say. Tall order? Yes, but if we want to cultivate a society full of grace, good manners and right conduct, we must model the way. And the best part? Start at our very home..

106th

Set not yourself at the upper of the table; but if it be your due or that the master of the house will have it so, contend not, least you should trouble the company".

108th - Honoring God and our parents (brothers/sisters)

"108th When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be seriously & with reverence. Honor & obey your natural parents although they be poor."

Webster defined "Honor" as giving high esteem for a persons worth. Words such as merit, rank also comes into play.

I am guilty of this. I mean, at times I treat God as if He's just an ordinary being. Likened to an ATM machine (sorry for the analogy Lord but just making a point), if you need cash, go to a nearby kiosk and boom, out the cash goes. Is it because of the way God is portrayed in many christian circles, that He is your personal savior, personal coach even...( to a certain extent). The word "personal" I believe has been somehow contextualized in a different light. Wish every lay preacher of the word, in whatever denomination, could render and shed more light into this notion.

In the same manner, isnt it any wonder why GW put honoring God alongside honoring our parents? In my two cents opinion, these are of equal weight. In scripture, it is again written in 1 John 4:20 " Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen".

Ouch! Context wise, I believe the words ring very true to the nature of how we ought to give respect, and most importantly love, where it is due - first to our parents, then naturally transcending to honoring, and respecting/loving God in return.

My parting shot is simply,  are we honoring our parents in the same way we honor God? Better yet, are we honoring our brothers and sisters too as we honor our parents? The best part? Are we honoring ONE ANOTHER in the same way we honor our relatives? How beautiful a world it would be if such a virtuous behavior be practiced and put to heart regularly.

If not, life is too short not to take the first of many steps now.  

109th - Manful vs sinful

The 108th entry from GW is to "let our indulgences be manful not sinful".

This is tricky. Heres why -

For what it is to be a man? Have the lines been drawn too thin? Or has society made the "perfect man" fade into the twilight with the arrival of the feminist movement or even the BGT movement? Whichever way we put it, man, the real man to the core, is scary slowly fading into oblivion.

I cant help it but to quote scripture again. Heres what Paul has to advise Timothy his disciple.

"Whoever aspires to be an overseer (man) desires a noble task. 2 Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full[a] respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. 7 He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap".

There. No need to add words or expound further.

If there are indulgences that needed to be aimed and cultivated for, I believe it is by focusing into the words of wisdom found in scripture (like above) that has been there all along, always ripe for the picking..

110th: Got Conscience?

In this series, I'd like to put forth my own interpretation and application of George Washington's Rule of Civility and Decent Behavior. Starting with the 109th down to 1st.

The goal is two fold. For me to observe people around, single out behaviors how these rules of civility are applied in the daily world. The learning and observing would be beneficial if it starts with my own application instead.

109th - Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.

On conscience. Webster defines it as an inner feeling or voice viewed as acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one's behavior.

Question is - where does this voice come from? Have we ever wondered? Is it innate? Is it acquired? Is it from the remnants of the voices our parents muttered when we were still infants that finds its way into the recesses of our brains? Or is it spiritual? The silent whisper from God? Whatever form or fashion it is, I'm sure all of us can relate to this.

So for today, my conscience is telling me that it is bad to lie. Lying about anything is bad. Whether it is white lies, black lies, all kinds of lies is wrong. Bad. In my inner circle of people in the office now, I can sense people with hidden agenda and ulterior motives constantly twist facts and tell lies in order to advance their interest. This is bad. Question is - have we gut the guts to confront? Is it worth pursuing?

I have come to the conclusion whatever peoples motives are, I'd simply stick to applying this rule daily, on my life, adding to my own principles. So that once people perceive me as honest and trustworthy in ALL my dealings, small or big, then my influence will then be widespread.

Thus begins an impactful person both in and out of the marketplace.

You?

Key to Success - Use of 5 senses

Its 'graduation' time again back in my home country. It is during these times that all people, from all walks of life, have at least something to look forward to.

Parents are excited (maybe alarmed) by their kids graduating. Knowing that they are now either going for higher learning or become part of the jobless circle. Either way, I'm sure they have mixed expectations lingering on their heads.

Graduates are excited (maybe alarmed too) of what the future is in store for them. No matter what the result of their years of learning, its back to facing real world scenario. A scenario where equations become harder to equate to actual real world situations. Theories in books are in fact ideas formulated in the crucible of the cranium or in the comforts of the lab. Skills in handling a conflict situation is in fact as age old as handling a street fight. Scientific approach are well, remains to be purely scientific. That the distance between two points is not really a straight line in the real world.

I often stumble upon people with so much potential in their 4 or 5 year academic journey that they end up disgruntled, demotivated, tired, too theoretical, cynic even. 

The cure? More exposure to practical real world problems early on. Such as house chores! Fixing a broken plumbing teaches one the basics of hydraulics. Ironing clothes could be framed to a materials engineering exposure, fabric vs cotton atomic strength. Washing the dishes reminds people of geography (enviro engg) and the chemistry of water/solid objects.  Cooking food humbles one about  molecular structure of the ingredients, and how the scent is simply a simplified organic chemistry in action.

There is so much to offer in life by just being observant. And that to me is the secret to success, and that there is no secret really. We are all given 5 senses to use. Use it or lose it!

Steve Jobs 8 Leadership Style

Here's an article I stumbled on the web which hammers home the message of SJ.

QUOTE. "Brilliant. Passionate. Overbearing. Impatient.

Steve Jobs's management style has been described in many ways, both positive and negative. Love him or hate him, there's no denying what he accomplished: Within a short time, he built the most successful company on the planet. Before that, though, Jobs was actually forced out of Apple (in 1985). A few months later, he founded another company. This startup, appropriately named NeXT, focused on producing high-powered computers for the higher education industry. A talented team left secure positions at Apple and followed Jobs to his new endeavor--evidence of how much people believed in him. The following video shows excerpts of a company retreat that Jobs orchestrated during the first three months of the company. And it's fascinating.

There are at least 8 lessons the previous author has observed, and they are summarized below..

1. Show your passion (3:46)

Jobs was well known as an excellent presenter, and his skills are on full display in his introductory speech. He uses repetition well. He's enthusiastic. He's natural. But most important, he believes what he's saying, and he's not afraid to put himself out there. If you don't get passionate about your idea, no one else will.Jobs: "We're doing this because we have a passion about it...because we really care about the higher educational process. Not because we want to make a buck."

2. Focus on creating value (4:50)

As an entrepreneur, there's no greater feeling than providing a product or service that people feel will make their life better.

3. Challenge your team (6:15)

Throughout the video, Jobs probes and challenges his people. He doesn't accept anything at face value. He wants to know why people feel the way they do. And often, he lets them know exactly why he disagrees.

4. Keep everyone on course (6:53)

Yes, Jobs could be overbearing. But as Guy Kawasaki (who worked for Steve Jobs twice) put it: "If you ask an employee of Apple why they put up with the challenges of working there, they will tell you: because Apple enables you to do the best work of your career." Jobs: "There needs to be someone who is the keeper and reiterator of the vision.... A lot of times, when you have to walk a thousand miles and you take the first step, it looks like a long way, and it really helps if there's someone there saying 'Well we're one step closer.... The goal definitely exists; it's not just a mirage out there.'"

5. Define the right priorities (7:26)

As your company evolves, it's easy to lose sight of what's important. Culture shift is a danger. But it's your company. Don't compromise on things you believe in. It's what got Jobs kicked out of Apple in 1985, but it's also why they brought him back--and what made Apple such a success. As the NeXT team discusses its priorities, you can witness Jobs's remarkable ability to focus on what's most important, and even more critical, to defend why it's important. When team members challenge priority No. 1 (keeping the price of the computer at $3,000), Jobs vehemently defends it: "They didn't say if you made it go three times faster we'd pay $4,000.... They said, 'Go to $3,000 [or] forget it.' That's their magic number.... Nobody else says that they can do that.... Whether it is or not, in reality, who knows. Whether it is or not in terms of their commitment to push us, we've established that." The team followed his lead, and price stayed priority No. 1. You know what's important, but can you prove why it's important? If so, then your team will follow.

6. Know when to interrupt (9:52)

A member of the team proceeds to goes on a rant. She goes on and on, and Jobs remains patient...at first. But as she continues, his patience runs out. He interrupts to refocus. Many years ago, I sat in on a meeting where a senior member of the team talked for 20 minutes without interruption. We were all thinking the same thing, but nobody had the courage to speak up. Finally, another manager (who was new to the company) respectfully put an end to the speech, to everyone else's relief. I learned a lot from that episode. Be a good listener. Be patient. But know when you need to step in, and you'll save a lot of time and resources.

7. Learn from the past, but don't let it own you (11:11) 

As one team member laments past failures, Jobs speaks up: "I don't want to hear 'Just because we blew it last time, we're going to blow it this time....' This is a window we've got...it's a wonderful window." Any great entrepreneur knows that failure is part of the process. The more you try, the more you fail--but success is out there. You've just got to find it.

8. Focus on the positive (12:22)

At the end of the weekend retreat, Jobs said the following: "I find myself making lists of things we don't know, and then I remember that our company's 90 days old. And I look back to all the things we do know. And it's really phenomenal how far we've come in 90 days." When you have a long road ahead of you, it can be intimidating to focus on what's left. There will always be plenty to do. Remember to look back at what you've already accomplished, and that can give you the motivation you need to move forward. " UNQOUTE

My take is that whatever SJ does is centered around one word - legacy. He simply wanted to leave a legacy that will be remembered for ages to come. And all his energies are channeled to creating that legacy long before other people can describe theirs.

Practice makes perfect

Religion is not the problem of this world. Its the the "practice" of religion. It's the interpretation even. Perhaps best summed up that it all boils down to the "understanding" of religion.

This thought came about when reading an article about a Jewish man and a Muslim woman collaborating on a corporate top notch project driven to produce top notch result.

Moral morass

Balzac said "behind evey great wealth is a great crime".

Often we hear stories of people who made it big time in the papers. And we often wonder how could the dude or the gal who's seemingly ordinary to ones eyes suddenly amass staggerring and mind boggling wealth in proportion to their skills. Only by digging deeper would one then finds out the reality of the quote above. 

We hear of skillful politicians who are in collusion with their campaign donors and benefactors. Or of the enterprising entreprenuer lacing prodicts with odd ingredients (eew) to save cost. Or of the shrewd corporate army general and their cohoots cutting cormers and inflating corporate profitability. The bigger question - what is/or are their motivations why they do what they do. Greed? Selfishness? Power? Not for me to judge.

On another area of life we also hear stories of "do gooders" under the guise of guilt. Meaning doing something for humanity in order to hide a character flaw. Or of people who donate to charity in order to not appear greedy. Or those who perform community service and outreach only to crumble at the weight of their own double lives. 

Is there a cure to this morass? Believe there is. First, be aware of ones "dark side". And just when one is tempted or lured towards their dark side, awareness is a powerful first step. Next is acceptance. Accept that as human beings we all have these tendencies. Third and last is diverson. We re-channel dark thoughts to activities until all our energies are spent. 

Dont know if you agree with my prescription, but it is working in me. Experience is the best teacher indeed. 

Trials of many kinds...

I don't know about you but I've been thru hell and back this week.

Consider this - a close friend's kid is diagnosed with cancerous cells engulfing the teens frail body. And the friend is at its wit end from all angles (emotionally and financially). In a span of a week, the family's fate hangs in the balance. Seeing them go thru this wrecks me as well. I wish I could do more.

I want to remind myself though lest I forget that this journey called life is littered with trials, testing and tribulations. And that life is indeed a series of problems. We just came from one, were undergoing one and we will face one in the future. Having the proper mindset will spell victory from defeat.

I remember scripture which says in James: ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. "

Often its easy to spew these words to someone who's into heavy dose of bombardment from all angles. But when spoken with love, I believe it will make a huge difference in their lives. Of course, count on our Maker to make his move. And there you go - perfect antidote for the perfect storm.